Crap Towns / Hampshire / Totton
Totton
28/100Crap Score
712th crappest of 984 towns, and 9th in Hampshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Barriers down. Guard rails up. Stuck.
Main roads slice the town up, and the level crossing finishes the job.
Totton is chopped into bits by main roads, so getting across town on foot means guard rails and crossings that take forever, and drivers get the level crossing on Junction Road instead. The tide mill at Eling is nice, and you pay a toll to cross the bridge to it. Rotten Totton, the old rhyme says. Eastleigh got it worse.
There are 25 hairdressers and nearly five times the typical town's vape shops per head, and Barclays, Halifax and Lloyds have all shut a branch. They dug up Bronze Age bits at Testwood Lakes. They've held up better than the High Street.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Totton's 74 for broadband means it's crapper than 74% of towns.
- Broadband74/1007.3% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 22.6% across the New Forest council area
- Serious road collisions74/1003.2 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Deliberate fires64/1007.9 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson50/1007.1 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Air pollution40/1008.3 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.0 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Sewage spills37/100145 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2024 to 2025
- Rain31/100121 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Fly-tipping30/1006.5 incidents per 1,000 people a year, New Forest council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Food hygiene16/1000.8% rated 0 to 2, of the 121 food businesses with a rating
- Anti-social behaviour9/1007.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 5 | Basingstoke | 38 |
| 6 | New Milton | 32 |
| 7 | Eastleigh | 29 |
| 8 | Gosport | 28 |
| 9 | Totton | 28 |
| 10 | Petersfield | 26 |
| 11 | Aldershot | 23 |
| 12 | Tadley | 22 |
| 13 | Fareham | 20 |
Totton by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 76.4 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 76.2
- 82 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 29.2 per 10,000 people, 8.6x the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 9 pubs, 25 hairdressers, 7 charity shops, 3 bookmakers, 4 vape shops, 2 banks, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 5.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (1 of 20) Worse: 25% higher than the typical town's 4.0%
- 3 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 10.7 per 100,000 people, 3.1x the typical town's 3.4
- 7 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.5 per 10,000 people, 1.6x the typical town's 1.6
- 3 public swimming pools open Better: 1.1 per 10,000 people, 1.6x the typical English town's 0.7
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.25am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 9.4% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 39% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,700 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 11% higher than the typical town's 1,532
New Forest council
- £2,420 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £28 more than the English average
- 8% of Hampshire County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 50% lower than England's 16%
- 2 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Totton against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.