Crap Towns / Essex / Stansted Mountfitchet
Stansted Mountfitchet
3/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 3. Higher scores are crapper.
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Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
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Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Gone to Spain. Left the car.
A castle, a windmill and a street full of cars left by people who've gone to Spain.
Stansted Mountfitchet's a nice village with a rebuilt Norman castle, a windmill and a toy museum, and hardly any crime. It's also got the airport next door, so holidaymakers dump their cars in the streets and piss off to Spain. Commuters take whatever's left.
For somewhere that sits at the end of a runway, the broadband's shocking. The share of premises that can't get superfast is 13 times the typical town's, and 182 can't even get the legal minimum. You can be in Malaga by lunchtime, but you can't stream the telly. The storm overflows spill for more than twice the typical town's hours, and there's no public pool. Lovely village, though.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Stansted Mountfitchet's 84 for broadband means it's crapper than 84% of towns.
- Broadband84/10014.5% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 17.1% across the Uttlesford council area
- Sewage spills70/100603 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Air pollution56/1008.0 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Food hygiene25/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 40 food businesses with a rating
- Rain18/100117 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Criminal damage and arson14/1004.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour12/1005.7 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires10/1002.0 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Serious road collisions4/1000.7 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Fly-tipping3/1003.3 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Uttlesford council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 26 | Great Dunmow | 13 |
| 27 | Halstead | 12 |
| 28 | Rayleigh | 11 |
| 29 | Chelmsford | 9 |
| 30 | Hockley and Hawkwell | 7 |
| 31 | Maldon | 6 |
| – | Stansted Mountfitchet | 3 |
| 32 | Saffron Walden | 1 |
| 33 | South Woodham Ferrers | 0 |
Stansted Mountfitchet by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 37.7 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 51% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 2 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 2.3 per 10,000 people, 32% lower than the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 6 pubs, 1 hairdresser, 1 bank on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.29am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 6.5% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 13x the typical town's 0.5%
- 12.2% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 21% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,591 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Uttlesford council
- £2,334 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £58 less than the English average
- 10% of Essex County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 38% lower than England's 16%
- 1 ombudsman complaint upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Stansted Mountfitchet against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.