Crap Towns / Hampshire / Portsmouth
Portsmouth
44/100Crap Score
Southampton fans call them Skates.
553rd crappest of 984 towns, and 3rd in Hampshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Portsmouth. Just park anywhere.
You can buy a parking permit in Portsmouth. You can't buy a parking space.
Portsmouth's got the Navy, the old warships, the Spinnaker Tower and Fratton Park, all crammed on an island with nowhere to park. Every street is permit parking and every permit holder is going round the block. Serious crashes come in at 1.6 times the typical town's rate.
The kitchens are the real danger. Nearly four times the typical town's share are rated 0 to 2, so a weekend in Southsea is a gamble. The city recycles barely over a quarter of its rubbish, and in summer the rest is on the seafront with the gulls. There are 12 places on the Heritage at Risk register. Still not Southampton, though.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Portsmouth's 98 for food hygiene means it's crapper than 98% of towns.
- Food hygiene98/1009.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 1,387 food businesses with a rating
- Serious road collisions89/1003.9 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution66/10011.5 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.6 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Criminal damage and arson65/1008.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires54/1006.0 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Anti-social behaviour35/10012.8 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Rain21/100118 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Sewage spills15/10019.9 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2024 to 2025
- Broadband10/1002.9% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 3.1% across the Portsmouth council area
- Fly-tipping9/1004.5 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Portsmouth council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Southampton | 79 |
| 2 | Havant | 45 |
| 3 | Portsmouth | 44 |
| 4 | Ringwood | 41 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.5 | Basingstoke | 38 |
| 6 | New Milton | 32 |
| 7 | Eastleigh | 29 |
| 8 | Gosport | 28 |
| 9 | Totton | 28 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Portsmouth by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 110 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 44% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 49 reports of fly-tipping on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 2.2 per 10,000 people, 2x the typical town's 1.1
- 2 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2021
- 0 of 2 bathing waters here or within 2 km rated Excellent in 2025; 1 rated Poor
What's left on the high street
- 141 pubs, 98 hairdressers, 44 charity shops, 27 bookmakers, 10 vape shops, 19 banks, 10 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 9.7% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (19 of 196) Worse: 2.4x the typical town's 4.0%
- 3 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Better: 1.3 per 100,000 people, 62% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 74 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 3.3 per 10,000 people, 2.1x the typical town's 1.6
- 14 public swimming pools open; 6 closed for good since 2010 Worse: 0.6 per 10,000 people, 14% lower than the typical English town's 0.7
- 12 places on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- All night buses on a Wednesday Better: The typical town's last bus goes at 12.14am
- 0.8% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 1.6x the typical town's 0.5%
- 14.8% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space About the same: About the same as the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,690 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 10% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Portsmouth council
- £2,292 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £100 less than the English average
- 3% of Portsmouth council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 81% lower than England's 16%
- 12 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Portsmouth against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.