Crap Towns / Cheshire / Helsby
Helsby
5/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 5. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Helsby. Nice hill. That's it.
A big sandstone hill with a face in it, and a village that's very pleased about that.
Helsby has a big sandstone hill with a face in the cliff, the Old Man of Helsby. Below him is a nice, quiet, safe village where nothing goes wrong. We looked. Nobody sets fire to the bins, nobody gets robbed, and anti-social behaviour sits at about a quarter of the typical town's.
The only moan anyone could find was people speeding down Chester Road and Primrose Lane. One moan. In the whole village. Pathetic, honestly.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Helsby's 70 for rain means it's crapper than 70% of towns.
- Rain70/100145 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Broadband58/1008.5% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 11.7% across the Cheshire West and Chester council area
- Sewage spills50/100277 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Air pollution37/1008.0 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.9 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Fly-tipping34/1008.3 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Cheshire West and Chester council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Food hygiene31/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 27 food businesses with a rating
- Serious road collisions12/1001.0 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Deliberate fires3/1000.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson3/1003.0 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour1/1003.6 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 13 | Neston | 28 |
| 14 | Alsager | 22 |
| 15 | Lymm | 21 |
| 16 | Wilmslow | 21 |
| 17 | Poynton | 15 |
| 18 | Knutsford | 14 |
| 19 | Macclesfield | 12 |
| 20 | Davenham | 12 |
| – | Helsby | 5 |
Helsby by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 31.7 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 58% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 1 problem reported on FixMyStreet in the year to October 2026 Better: 1.9 per 10,000 people, 91% lower than the typical town's 20.4
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2021
What's left on the high street
- 3 pubs, 1 hairdresser on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 10.54pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.5% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 0.5%
- 44.0% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 2.8x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,494 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Cheshire West and Chester council
- £2,517 Band D council tax (2026-27) Worse: £125 more than the English average
- 6% of Cheshire West and Chester council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 63% lower than England's 16%
- 16 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Helsby against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.