Crap Towns / Greater Manchester / Hazel Grove
Hazel Grove
50/100Crap Score
Known as the Grove.
488th crappest of 984 towns, and 57th in Greater Manchester. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Hazel Grove. Formerly Bullock Smithy.
It got a nicer name in the 1830s. London Road is still the A6 and still jammed.
Hazel Grove used to be Bullock Smithy, known for bull-baiting and drink, so it was given a prettier name. The drink's still going. London Road's a pub crawl stretched along the A6, with a barber or a nail bar in every gap and a takeaway at the end. Everyone else is sat in the traffic to Stockport while some lad with a big exhaust revs past.
There isn't a single public park. There are 9 public toilets, nearly three times the typical town's rate, which for a pub crawl is good planning. The banks have announced two closures since 2022, and you get rain on 164 days a year.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Hazel Grove's 87 for rain means it's crapper than 87% of towns.
- Rain87/100164 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Air pollution70/10010.6 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.0 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Sewage spills64/100488 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Fly-tipping60/10011.1 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Stockport council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Food hygiene50/1002.5% rated 0 to 2, of the 120 food businesses with a rating
- Serious road collisions49/1002.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Criminal damage and arson43/1006.6 per 1,000 people a year, July 2023 to June 2026
- Anti-social behaviour33/10012.5 per 1,000 people a year, July 2023 to June 2026
- Deliberate fires25/1003.9 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Broadband16/1003.1% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 5.1% across the Stockport council area
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 53 | Stretford | 58 |
| 54 | Orrell | 56 |
| 55 | Stockport | 56 |
| 56 | Ashton-in-Makerfield | 51 |
| 57 | Hazel Grove | 50 |
| 58 | Cheadle | 50 |
| 59 | Standish | 49 |
| 60 | Hale | 43 |
| 61 | Romiley | 42 |
Hazel Grove by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 72.0 crimes per 1,000 people a year (July 2023 to June 2026) Better: 6% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 6 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 3.0 per 10,000 people, 12% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 2 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2024
What's left on the high street
- 13 pubs, 8 hairdressers, 1 charity shop, 1 bookmaker, 1 bank on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 3.2% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (1 of 31) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 4.0%
- 2 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 9.9 per 100,000 people, 2.9x the typical town's 3.4
- 9 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 4.5 per 10,000 people, 2.8x the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open Better: 1.0 per 10,000 people, 43% higher than the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.44am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- Under 0.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: Far lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 30.1% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space, and OS maps no public park here Worse: 1.9x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,371 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 11% lower than the typical town's 1,532
Stockport council
Have a crap-off
Hazel Grove against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.