Crap Towns / Essex / Colchester
Colchester
55/100Crap Score
444th crappest of 984 towns, and 8th in Essex. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Britain's oldest roadworks
Roman walls, a Norman castle, and cones on every road they've ever built.
Colchester was the Roman capital and it's been dug up ever since. Cones on every road, new estates rammed onto old streets, and more serious crashes than the typical town. They made it a city a while back. Colcestrians still call it town, and nobody can say city centre with a straight face.
Queen Street is Kebab Alley after dark, for good reason, though the kebabs are cleaner than you'd think. The buses run all night to get you there. Leave a bike outside and it's gone, and 198 premises can't get the legal minimum broadband. In 2020 the landfill stank badly enough to make the pollution register. Southend fans reckon it never stopped.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Colchester's 81 for broadband means it's crapper than 81% of towns.
- Broadband81/10012.7% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 17.8% across the Colchester council area
- Serious road collisions80/1003.3 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution70/1009.3 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Fly-tipping69/10015.2 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Colchester council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Criminal damage and arson66/1008.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour63/10011.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires28/1004.3 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Sewage spills28/10083.1 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Food hygiene6/1001.2% rated 0 to 2, of the 690 food businesses with a rating
- Rain3/100109 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 4 | Clacton-on-Sea | 68 |
| 5 | Chafford Hundred and West Thurrock | 64 |
| 6 | Chadwell St Mary | 62 |
| 7 | Southend-on-Sea | 55 |
| 8 | Colchester | 55 |
| 9 | Wickford | 52 |
| 10 | Canvey Island | 51 |
| 11 | Harlow | 48 |
| 12 | Epping | 47 |
Colchester by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 102 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 34% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 17 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 1.3 per 10,000 people, 62% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2020
What's left on the high street
- 45 pubs, 85 hairdressers, 23 charity shops, 10 bookmakers, 6 vape shops, 11 banks, 7 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1.3% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (1 of 77) Better: 68% lower than the typical town's 4.0%
- 2 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Better: 1.5 per 100,000 people, 56% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 15 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Worse: 1.2 per 10,000 people, 25% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- 10 public swimming pools open Better: 0.8 per 10,000 people, 14% higher than the typical English town's 0.7
- 3 places on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- All night buses on a Wednesday Better: The typical town's last bus goes at 12.14am
- 1.5% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 3x the typical town's 0.5%
- 13.6% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 12% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,693 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 11% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Colchester council
- £2,283 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £109 less than the English average
- 10% of Essex County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 38% lower than England's 16%
- 2 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Colchester against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.