Crap Towns / Greater Manchester / Cheadle Hulme
Cheadle Hulme
30/100Crap Score
Joint 687th crappest of 984 towns, and 66th in Greater Manchester. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Not that Hulme.
People move to Cheadle Hulme for the schools, and once they've got in, they never go out again.
Cheadle Hulme is where you end up once you've had kids and a pay rise. The schools decide what your house costs, Bruntwood Park does the Sunday, and after eight o'clock there's nothing on. Not one food business is rated 0 to 2 on hygiene, which is the most exciting thing we found. Being this bored costs £2,619 a year in council tax on a Band D home. Station Road at rush hour is the nearest it gets to drama.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Cheadle Hulme's 82 for rain means it's crapper than 82% of towns.
- Rain82/100158 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Sewage spills76/100745 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Air pollution72/10010.7 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.0 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Fly-tipping60/10011.1 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Stockport council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Criminal damage and arson43/1006.6 per 1,000 people a year, July 2023 to June 2026
- Anti-social behaviour33/10012.5 per 1,000 people a year, July 2023 to June 2026
- Broadband21/1004.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 5.1% across the Stockport council area
- Deliberate fires19/1003.4 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Serious road collisions16/1001.5 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Food hygiene6/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 97 food businesses with a rating
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 58 | Cheadle | 50 |
| 59 | Standish | 49 |
| 60 | Hale | 43 |
| 61 | Romiley | 42 |
| 62 | Urmston | 42 |
| 63 | Sale | 40 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.64 | Bramhall | 38 |
| 65 | Altrincham | 31 |
| 66 | Cheadle Hulme | 30 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Cheadle Hulme by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 72.0 crimes per 1,000 people a year (July 2023 to June 2026) Better: 6% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 10 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 4.0 per 10,000 people, 18% higher than the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 10 pubs, 19 hairdressers, 4 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 1 vape shop on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 18) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Worse: 0.8 per 10,000 people, 50% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- 1 public swimming pool open Worse: 0.4 per 10,000 people, 43% lower than the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.32am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.6% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 20% higher than the typical town's 0.5%
- 33.7% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 2.2x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,389 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 9% lower than the typical town's 1,532
Stockport council
Have a crap-off
Cheadle Hulme against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.