Crap Towns / Greater Manchester / Bramhall
Bramhall
38/100Crap Score
609th crappest of 984 towns, and 64th in Greater Manchester. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Bramhall's in Stockport. Sorry.
Bramhall's been in Stockport since 1974 and still writes Cheshire on its post.
Bramhall has a black-and-white Tudor hall it spells Bramall, a park round it and a village full of people who'd rather you didn't mention Stockport. Stockport's council tax is £2,619 for a Band D home, and Bramhall pays every penny of it while telling everyone it's in Cheshire.
Apart from the hall's park there's not much green to go round. Nearly half the village lives more than 400 metres from a park or play space, and there's no public pool. At half three the whole place locks solid with the school run anyway, so nobody's walking anywhere.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Bramhall's 82 for rain means it's crapper than 82% of towns.
- Rain82/100159 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Sewage spills73/100679 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Air pollution67/1009.9 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.0 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Fly-tipping60/10011.1 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Stockport council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Food hygiene48/1002.3% rated 0 to 2, of the 86 food businesses with a rating
- Criminal damage and arson43/1006.6 per 1,000 people a year, July 2023 to June 2026
- Anti-social behaviour33/10012.5 per 1,000 people a year, July 2023 to June 2026
- Broadband25/1004.8% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 5.1% across the Stockport council area
- Serious road collisions13/1001.3 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Deliberate fires8/1002.1 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 58 | Cheadle | 50 |
| 59 | Standish | 49 |
| 60 | Hale | 43 |
| 61 | Romiley | 42 |
| 62 | Urmston | 42 |
| 63 | Sale | 40 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.64 | Bramhall | 38 |
| 65 | Altrincham | 31 |
| 66 | Cheadle Hulme | 30 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Bramhall by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 72.0 crimes per 1,000 people a year (July 2023 to June 2026) Better: 6% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 24 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 14.0 per 10,000 people, 4.1x the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 4 pubs, 2 hairdressers, 4 charity shops, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 banking hub opened here
- 3 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 1.7 per 10,000 people, 6% higher than the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.13pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 80% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 46.0% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 3x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,381 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 10% lower than the typical town's 1,532
Stockport council
Have a crap-off
Bramhall against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.