Crap Towns / Essex / Burnham-on-Crouch
Burnham-on-Crouch
5/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 5. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Is it much further, Dad?
Yachts, oysters and a regatta at the arse end of the Dengie. Then a long drive to anywhere.
Burnham calls itself the Cowes of the East Coast. Bit much for a town at the arse end of the Dengie peninsula. There are yachts, oysters and a regatta. There's also sod all to do after the shops shut and a long bendy drive to anywhere with a decent shop. Turn up in a normal coat and they'll think you're the plumber.
The sun's out 1,764 hours a year and it barely rains, so the yachts look lovely. The broadband's less posh: gigabit reaches 74.1% of premises. Barclays has gone, there's no pool, and the one thing it's got more of per head than the typical town is vape shops.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Burnham-on-Crouch's 94 for broadband means it's crapper than 94% of towns.
- Broadband94/10025.9% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 17.8% across the Maldon council area
- Air pollution49/1007.5 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.9 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Food hygiene39/1001.6% rated 0 to 2, of the 62 food businesses with a rating
- Sewage spills34/100125 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Serious road collisions22/1001.5 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Criminal damage and arson20/1004.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Fly-tipping18/1006.1 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Maldon council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Anti-social behaviour13/1005.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires5/1001.3 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Rain0/100101 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 26 | Great Dunmow | 13 |
| 27 | Halstead | 12 |
| 28 | Rayleigh | 11 |
| 29 | Chelmsford | 9 |
| 30 | Hockley and Hawkwell | 7 |
| 31 | Maldon | 6 |
| – | Burnham-on-Crouch | 5 |
| 32 | Saffron Walden | 1 |
| 33 | South Woodham Ferrers | 0 |
Burnham-on-Crouch by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 56.9 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 25% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 1 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 1.3 per 10,000 people, 62% lower than the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 7 pubs, 7 hairdressers, 3 charity shops, 1 vape shop on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 12.8 per 100,000 people, 3.8x the typical town's 3.4
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.6 per 10,000 people, 1.6x the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.25pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 2.2x the typical town's 0.5%
- 14.0% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 10% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,764 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 15% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Maldon council
- £2,328 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £64 less than the English average
- 10% of Essex County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 38% lower than England's 16%
- 3 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Burnham-on-Crouch against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.