Don't look in the harbour.

Whitehaven was laid out in a neat Georgian grid, and the grid's still there, which is more than you can say for the shops in it. Down at the bottom is the harbour, and the water in it has been the colour of builder's tea for as long as anyone's been moaning about it. They're still moaning. It's still brown.

It's the crappest town in Cumbria. Workington got exactly the same score and came second, so Whitehaven can't even win that outright. It does win on rain. The rain turns up on 163 days a year, a few more than Workington, and over 1,100 mm of it comes down, more than half as much again as the typical town. The sun manages 1,483 hours. The harbour never gets the chance to clear.

The banks have announced five branch closures since 2022, more than six times the typical town's rate, and three libraries have gone. What's left round King Street is hairdressers, Greggs and pubs, and the night out starts in a pub and ends in one, because it's raining. Whitehaven calls Workington the Jam Eaters. Workington says it's the other way round. Nobody knows who started it. Nobody's stopping.

The editor, who didn't look in the harbour