Crap Towns / Hampshire / New Alresford
New Alresford
4/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 4. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Alresford. It's all about watercress.
Pretty Georgian houses, a steam railway and a festival for a salad leaf.
New Alresford calls itself the Capital of Watercress and holds a festival for it. It's a very pretty little town with painted Georgian houses, chalk streams and a steam railway named after watercress. Hardly any crime, no vandals and no sewage trouble.
Not one deliberate fire in three years. Nobody's even set light to a bin. What it can't do is broadband: over two in five premises can't get gigabit, so the festival photos take a while to upload. Lloyds has gone too. The locals moan about parking, because they've got nothing else to moan about.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
New Alresford's 99 for broadband means it's crapper than 99% of towns.
- Broadband99/10043.3% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 30.7% across the Winchester council area
- Food hygiene51/1002.6% rated 0 to 2, of the 38 food businesses with a rating
- Rain50/100128 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Serious road collisions30/1001.7 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Fly-tipping24/1006.9 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Winchester council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Air pollution20/1005.7 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.8 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Sewage spills17/10029.6 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2024 to 2025
- Deliberate fires0/100None, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson0/1002.1 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour0/1003.3 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 24 | Locks Heath | 9 |
| 25 | Alton | 9 |
| 26 | Hythe and Dibden Purlieu | 6 |
| 27 | South Hayling | 5 |
| – | New Alresford | 4 |
| 28 | Hedge End | 4 |
| 29 | Horndean | 3 |
| 30 | Chandler's Ford | 3 |
| 31 | Lee-on-the-Solent | 0 |
New Alresford by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 30.6 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 60% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 57 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 107 per 10,000 people, 31.5x the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 5 pubs, 2 hairdressers, 1 bank on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 18.7 per 100,000 people, 5.5x the typical town's 3.4
- 1 public toilet on the map (October 2026) Better: 1.9 per 10,000 people, 19% higher than the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.46pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 3.0% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 6x the typical town's 0.5%
- 22.9% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 48% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,615 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 5% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Winchester council
- £2,360 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £32 less than the English average
- 8% of Hampshire County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 50% lower than England's 16%
- None ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
New Alresford against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.