Crap TownsBritain's towns, rated by the people stuck in them

Crap Towns / Hertfordshire / London Colney

Welcome to

London Colney

Arsenal train here. Nobody can do the roundabout.
Twinned with a roundabout with no lines on it

17/100Crap Score

Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 17. Higher scores are crapper.

How the score works

Have your say

Crap Town of the Year 2026/27

See the race

The public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.

Letters from the locals

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Pick a lane. Any lane.

Arsenal and Watford train here. Nobody has ever gone round the roundabout in the right lane.

London Colney has Arsenal and Watford's training grounds, a retail park and some fishing lakes. It isn't in London. Everything else is about the roundabout, where the lane markings have faded and every bugger goes where they like. Getting the bus to St Albans is a mission.

The retail park does a roaring trade in things nobody paid for. Shoplifting is running at 21.7 per 1,000 people a year, against 7.1 in the typical town, and crime overall at 1.6 times the typical town. There's 1 Greggs and 2 pubs. Two football clubs train here and none of it has rubbed off.

The editor, who went round in the wrong lane

What the score is made of

Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.

London Colney's 86 for air pollution means it's crapper than 86% of towns.

  • Air pollution86/10011.1 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.7 of fine particles, 2024 average
  • Anti-social behaviour70/10018.6 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
  • Food hygiene50/1002.4% rated 0 to 2, of the 41 food businesses with a rating
  • Criminal damage and arson47/1006.8 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
  • Deliberate fires32/1004.3 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
  • Serious road collisions21/1001.5 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
  • Rain21/100118 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
  • Broadband19/1002.9% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 6.5% across the St Albans council area
  • Fly-tipping11/1004.9 incidents per 1,000 people a year, St Albans council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
  • Sewage spills2/1000.0 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
Your patch: HertfordshireTowns in the same county. Top of the table is crappest.
PosTownNationalScore
16Bishop's Stortford795th19
17Tring796th19
18Royston804th18
19St Albans805th18
–London Colney–17
20Ware909th8
21Sawbridgeworth912th7
22Hertford918th7
23Abbots Langley and Kings Langley920th7

London Colney by numbers

Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.

Crime, muck and dodgy water

What's left on the high street

Getting about, getting online, getting rained on

St Albans council

Have a crap-off

London Colney against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.

London ColneyCrap Score 17
v
RadlettCrap Score 24

Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.