Crap Towns / Essex / Kirby Cross
Kirby Cross
2/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 2. Higher scores are crapper.
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Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
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Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Quiet, and terrified of new houses
Kirby Cross is a quiet village next to Frinton. It's mostly worried about new houses.
Kirby Cross sits next to Frinton and has a station on the Walton line. Nobody causes bother, nobody dumps rubbish, and crime runs 60% below the typical town. There isn't a single pub, so what gets locals going is plans for houses on the farmland. That's it. That's the drama.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Kirby Cross's 96 for broadband means it's crapper than 96% of towns.
- Broadband96/10026.6% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 20.6% across the Tendring council area
- Sewage spills47/100248 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Air pollution42/1007.2 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.7 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Food hygiene37/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 17 food businesses with a rating
- Serious road collisions18/1001.3 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Fly-tipping8/1003.5 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Tendring council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Deliberate fires5/1001.0 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Rain2/100107 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Criminal damage and arson1/1002.5 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour0/1002.3 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 26 | Great Dunmow | 13 |
| 27 | Halstead | 12 |
| 28 | Rayleigh | 11 |
| 29 | Chelmsford | 9 |
| 30 | Hockley and Hawkwell | 7 |
| 31 | Maldon | 6 |
| – | Kirby Cross | 2 |
| 32 | Saffron Walden | 1 |
| 33 | South Woodham Ferrers | 0 |
Kirby Cross by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 30.6 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 60% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 2 reports of litter and bins on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 3.3 per 10,000 people, 3.7x the typical town's 0.9
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2019
- 2 of 2 bathing waters here or within 2 km rated Excellent in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 2 hairdressers on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 10.46pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 32.5% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 2.1x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,803 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 18% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Tendring council
Have a crap-off
Kirby Cross against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.