Crap Towns / South Yorkshire / Hoyland
Hoyland
88/100Crap Score
123rd crappest of 984 towns, and 11th in South Yorkshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Hoyland? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
Who bugged the town hall clock?
Somebody hid a listening device behind the town hall clock. God knows what they hoped to hear.
Hoyland once found a listening device behind the town hall clock, which is the most exciting thing that's happened there. Lowe Stand, the folly on the hill, is falling to bits and nobody gives a toss. The high street is vape shops and pubs, and the fly-tippers have a field day.
The overflows nearby run for nearly fourteen times as long as the typical town's. Car crime's more than twice the typical town's, and Barclays has gone. There's 18 pubs, though, more than twice the typical town's per head. Whoever bugged the clock was listening in the wrong place.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Hoyland's 99 for sewage spills means it's crapper than 99% of towns.
- Sewage spills99/1003,758 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Deliberate fires84/10016.2 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Fly-tipping83/10020.2 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Barnsley council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Broadband76/10014.8% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 8.7% across the Barnsley council area
- Criminal damage and arson68/1008.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Air pollution65/1009.1 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Food hygiene60/1003.2% rated 0 to 2, of the 94 food businesses with a rating
- Serious road collisions56/1002.6 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Rain48/100127 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Anti-social behaviour44/10014.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 7 | Dinnington | 92 |
| 8 | Bentley | 91 |
| 9 | Wombwell | 91 |
| 10 | Doncaster | 88 |
| 11 | Hoyland | 88 |
| 12 | Wath upon Dearne | 85 |
| 13 | Swallownest and Aston | 80 |
| 14 | Conisbrough | 79 |
| 15 | Royston | 78 |
Hoyland by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 89.5 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 17% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 19 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 12.2 per 10,000 people, 3.6x the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 18 pubs, 5 hairdressers, 2 charity shops, 2 bookmakers, 2 vape shops, 1 bank on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 9.5% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (2 of 21) Worse: 2.4x the typical town's 4.0%
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 6.4 per 100,000 people, 1.9x the typical town's 3.4
- 4 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.6 per 10,000 people, 1.6x the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open Better: 1.3 per 10,000 people, 1.9x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.17am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.8% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 3.6x the typical town's 0.5%
- 37.9% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 2.4x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,535 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Barnsley council
Have a crap-off
Hoyland against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.