Crap Towns / South Yorkshire / Conisbrough
Conisbrough
79/100Crap Score
207th crappest of 984 towns, and 14th in South Yorkshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
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Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Look up at the castle, not down
A proper medieval castle, surrounded by off-road bikes and quarry lorries.
Conisbrough has a cracking old castle that's stood for centuries. The rest of it, less so. Off-road bikes tear up the streets, the parks and the woods, and quarry lorries rumble through and park outside people's houses. That castle's seen sieges. It's never seen anything like this.
The kitchens are the real siege. 12.8% of food businesses score 0 to 2, more than five times the typical town's share. Things get set on fire at three and a half times the typical rate. There's 1 hairdresser and no swimming pool, but the buses run till gone midnight, for the lucky ones leaving.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Conisbrough's 92 for food hygiene means it's crapper than 92% of towns.
- Food hygiene92/10012.8% rated 0 to 2, of the 47 food businesses with a rating
- Deliberate fires88/10020.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Anti-social behaviour81/10022.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Criminal damage and arson81/1009.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Air pollution76/1009.5 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.4 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Sewage spills63/100467 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Serious road collisions62/1002.8 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Fly-tipping31/1008.0 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Doncaster council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Rain27/100120 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Broadband7/1002.1% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 3.6% across the Doncaster council area
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 10 | Doncaster | 88 |
| 11 | Hoyland | 88 |
| 12 | Wath upon Dearne | 85 |
| 13 | Swallownest and Aston | 80 |
| 14 | Conisbrough | 79 |
| 15 | Royston | 78 |
| 16 | Dunscroft and Hatfield | 76 |
| 17 | Adwick le Street | 73 |
| 18 | Warmsworth | 70 |
Conisbrough by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 89.6 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 18% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 3 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 2.6 per 10,000 people, 24% lower than the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 3 pubs, 1 hairdresser on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 7.7% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (1 of 13) Worse: 1.9x the typical town's 4.0%
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 1.7 per 10,000 people, 6% higher than the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.25am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 80% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 20.3% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 31% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,525 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Doncaster council
Have a crap-off
Conisbrough against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.