Crap Towns / Cornwall / Helston
Helston
25/100Crap Score
737th crappest of 984 towns, and 11th in Cornwall. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
The band plays it better than you
Once a year the whole town dances through the streets. The rest of the year, not much.
Helston has Flora Day, when the whole town dances through the streets to the same tune all day. Play it wrong and they'll never forgive you. The rest of the year the shops are thin on the ground, and the ones left don't get many customers. Navy helicopters from Culdrose fly over all day. None of them ever land.
The broadband's shocking, with 5.3% of premises unable to get superfast, over ten times the typical town's share. The Guildhall's on the Heritage at Risk list. They'll still be dancing past it when it falls down.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Helston's 98 for broadband means it's crapper than 98% of towns.
- Broadband98/10031.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 34.0% across the Cornwall council area
- Rain78/100154 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Sewage spills56/100356 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Criminal damage and arson49/1007.0 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Serious road collisions40/1002.1 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour37/10013.0 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires36/1004.8 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Fly-tipping16/1005.7 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Cornwall council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Food hygiene10/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 79 food businesses with a rating
- Air pollution6/1003.6 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 4 | Liskeard | 58 |
| 5 | St Austell | 54 |
| 6 | Newquay | 51 |
| 7 | Falmouth | 46 |
| 8 | Camborne | 42 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.9 | Saltash | 38 |
| 10 | Redruth | 33 |
| 11 | Helston | 25 |
| 12 | Penryn | 24 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Helston by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 53.7 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 30% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 4 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 About the same: 3.5 per 10,000 people, about the same as the typical town's 3.4
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2024
What's left on the high street
- 7 pubs, 3 hairdressers, 1 charity shop, 1 bookmaker, 1 vape shop, 3 banks on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 13) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 8.8 per 100,000 people, 2.6x the typical town's 3.4
- 6 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 5.3 per 10,000 people, 3.3x the typical town's 1.6
- 1 public swimming pool open Better: 0.9 per 10,000 people, 29% higher than the typical English town's 0.7
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- midnight last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 5.3% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 10.6x the typical town's 0.5%
- 20.5% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 32% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,606 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Cornwall council
Have a crap-off
Helston against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.