Crap Towns / Gloucestershire / Chalford
Chalford
7/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 7. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Get a donkey.
Cottages stuck on the side of a valley. Lovely, until you have to carry the shopping up.
Chalford calls itself the Alpine village of the Cotswolds, which means the houses are stuck to a bloody cliff. There's no road to a lot of them, so the shopping used to come up by donkey. Now people carry it and swear.
Crime's next to nothing and nothing ever gets smashed. The broadband's the only thing properly crap about it, and the last bus is at 7.47pm. Otherwise it's annoyingly nice. Nobody's got the energy to misbehave.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Chalford's 96 for broadband means it's crapper than 96% of towns.
- Broadband96/10030.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 19.2% across the Stroud council area
- Rain67/100140 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Food hygiene61/1005.6% rated 0 to 2, of the 18 food businesses with a rating
- Fly-tipping38/1008.9 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Stroud council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Serious road collisions22/1001.5 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution17/1004.9 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.9 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Deliberate fires11/1001.9 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Anti-social behaviour6/1007.1 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Sewage spills2/1000.0 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Criminal damage and arson0/1001.5 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 10 | Brockworth | 31 |
| 11 | Yate | 31 |
| 12 | Stoke Gifford | 30 |
| 13 | Churchdown | 24 |
| 14 | Frampton Cotterell and Winterbourne | 21 |
| – | Chalford | 7 |
| 15 | Bradley Stoke | 6 |
| 16 | Bishop's Cleeve | 6 |
| 17 | Thornbury | 2 |
Chalford by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 24.9 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 67% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 1,050 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 1,577 per 10,000 people, 463.8x the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 4 pubs, 1 hairdresser on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 public toilet on the map (October 2026) Worse: 1.5 per 10,000 people, 6% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 7.47pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 2.8x the typical town's 0.5%
- 17.4% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 12% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,533 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Stroud council
- £2,491 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £99 more than the English average
- 26% of Gloucestershire County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Worse: 1.6x England's 16%
- 1 ombudsman complaint upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Chalford against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.