Crap Towns / County Durham / Barnard Castle
Barnard Castle
37/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 37. Higher scores are crapper.
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Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
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Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Barnard Castle. Get your eyes tested.
Nice castle, posh museum, and every bugger who visits does the eye test joke.
Barney's got a castle over the Tees, antiques shops and a museum with a mechanical silver swan that eats a fish. All very nice. Then a certain someone drove up here in lockdown to test their eyes, and now every visitor does the joke. Locals are sick to death of it. And of the car park charges.
More than half the town can't get gigabit broadband. Posh place, shit internet. The last bus home is at 9.28pm on a Wednesday, which for a town with 10 pubs is a short night. The overflows nearby dump sewage for about four times the typical town's hours, and the Tees gets the lot.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Barnard Castle's 99 for broadband means it's crapper than 99% of towns.
- Broadband99/10052.3% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 14.6% across the County Durham council area
- Sewage spills86/1001,152 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Criminal damage and arson72/1008.8 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Rain63/100136 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Fly-tipping56/10010.5 incidents per 1,000 people a year, County Durham council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Food hygiene31/1001.3% rated 0 to 2, of the 77 food businesses with a rating
- Anti-social behaviour26/10011.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires18/1002.8 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Serious road collisions7/1000.7 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution5/1003.8 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.0 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 7 | Stockton-on-Tees | 73 |
| 8 | Peterlee | 71 |
| 9 | Durham | 70 |
| 10 | Consett | 63 |
| 11 | Seaham | 60 |
| 12 | Newton Aycliffe | 58 |
| 13 | Billingham | 52 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.– | Barnard Castle | 37 |
| 14 | Egglescliffe | 24 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Barnard Castle by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
What's left on the high street
- 10 pubs, 9 hairdressers, 6 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 3 banks, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 17.3 per 100,000 people, 5.1x the typical town's 3.4
- 3 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 5.2 per 10,000 people, 3.3x the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open Better: 3.5 per 10,000 people, 5x the typical English town's 0.7
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 9.28pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 2.8x the typical town's 0.5%
- 0.0% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: Against the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,462 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
County Durham council
Have a crap-off
Barnard Castle against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.