Crap Towns / Dorset / Upton
Upton
26/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 26. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Upton. Nothing to see. Some smells.
A country park, a Georgian mansion, and Holes Bay sending over a pong now and then.
Upton has a country park with a Georgian mansion, woodland walks along Holes Bay and a Greggs. Hardly any vandalism or fly-tipping. The worst of it is the school run and rush hour, and a smell that comes off Lytchett Bay and Holes Bay now and again. With a name like Holes Bay, you can't say you weren't warned.
Dorset charges £2,765 for a Band D home and there's no public swimming pool, so you're paying top whack to sniff the bay.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Upton's 81 for broadband means it's crapper than 81% of towns.
- Broadband81/10010.2% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 23.3% across the Dorset council area
- Serious road collisions75/1003.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Sewage spills73/100673 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Rain43/100125 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Food hygiene32/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 26 food businesses with a rating
- Air pollution27/1007.1 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.7 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Anti-social behaviour20/10010.3 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires20/1003.1 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson13/1004.3 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Fly-tipping8/1004.2 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Dorset council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 2 | Poole | 49 |
| 3 | Bridport | 49 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.4 | Weymouth | 37 |
| 5 | Dorchester | 33 |
| – | Upton | 26 |
| 6 | Christchurch | 22 |
| 7 | West Moors | 20 |
| 8 | Sherborne | 19 |
| 9 | Wimborne Minster | 19 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Upton by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 42.0 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 45% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 5 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 6.0 per 10,000 people, 1.8x the typical town's 3.4
- 2 of 2 bathing waters here or within 2 km rated Excellent in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 2 hairdressers, 1 bookmaker, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.49pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.5% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 0.5%
- 25.5% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 1.6x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,720 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 12% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Dorset council
Have a crap-off
Upton against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.