Crap Towns / Merseyside / Hoylake
Hoylake
51/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 51. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Grass on the beach.
Hoylake hosts the Open. It's spent years scrapping over whether the beach should have grass on it.
Hoylake gets the Open golf and a lighthouse, and it's spent years fighting over whether to let grass grow on the beach. Now you can hardly get to the sea, the flies come off it and they want to charge you to park on the front. The library's gone. There's no public park either, just the beach, and that's turning into a field.
The last bus out on a Wednesday goes at 4.34pm. On the high street it's 14 hairdressers, nearly six times the typical town's rate per head, plus the vape shop and the bookies. And this is the posh end.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Hoylake's 78 for deliberate fires means it's crapper than 78% of towns.
- Deliberate fires78/10012.7 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Rain75/100150 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Fly-tipping73/10015.9 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Wirral council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Serious road collisions68/1003.2 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Food hygiene56/1003.1% rated 0 to 2, of the 65 food businesses with a rating
- Sewage spills47/100240 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour31/1008.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Broadband24/1005.3% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 3.6% across the Wirral council area
- Criminal damage and arson16/1004.6 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Air pollution8/1004.5 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 8 | Huyton with Roby | 78 |
| 9 | Newton-le-Willows | 66 |
| 10 | Haydock | 63 |
| 11 | Litherland | 59 |
| – | Hoylake | 51 |
| 12 | Bebington | 50 |
| 13 | Crosby | 48 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.14 | Maghull | 36 |
| 15 | Southport | 34 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Hoylake by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 50.6 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 34% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 0 of 2 bathing waters here or within 2 km rated Excellent in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 4 pubs, 14 hairdressers, 3 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 1 vape shop on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 library shut for good since 2010: Hoylake (2022)
- 1 public toilet on the map (October 2026) Better: 1.9 per 10,000 people, 19% higher than the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 4.34pm last bus out on a Wednesday, and none on a Sunday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.0% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: Against the typical town's 0.5%
- 24.4% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space, and OS maps no public park here Worse: 1.6x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,587 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Wirral council
- £2,501 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £109 more than the English average
- 11% of Wirral council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 31% lower than England's 16%
- 24 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Hoylake against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.