Crap Towns / Lancashire / Heysham
Heysham
63/100Crap Score
361st crappest of 984 towns, and 26th in Lancashire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
It's Hee-shum. Now move your lorry.
Power stations, a freight port and lorries blocking your drive.
Heysham has nuclear power stations, a freight port and ferries to the Isle of Man. What it doesn't have is any way of getting off your own drive when the port queue backs up. Lorries rat-run down narrow streets and the power stations let off steam in the night. It's pronounced Hee-shum, by the way.
For a town with two nuclear power stations and a port, the air comes out cleaner than the typical town's. Must be the sea breeze taking it all to Morecambe. Anti-social behaviour runs at nearly twice the typical town's rate, unidentified oil keeps turning up in the water, and there's one public toilet for the whole place.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Heysham's 89 for anti-social behaviour means it's crapper than 89% of towns.
- Anti-social behaviour89/10026.8 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Fly-tipping87/10023.5 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Lancaster council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Rain80/100156 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Criminal damage and arson71/1008.7 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Broadband49/1006.9% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 10.9% across the Lancaster council area
- Serious road collisions41/1002.2 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Food hygiene39/1001.6% rated 0 to 2, of the 62 food businesses with a rating
- Deliberate fires37/1004.9 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Sewage spills12/10012.2 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Air pollution11/1005.0 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 22 | Clitheroe | 77 |
| 23 | Bamber Bridge | 72 |
| 24 | Leyland | 69 |
| 25 | Cleveleys | 64 |
| 26 | Heysham | 63 |
| 27 | Barnoldswick | 63 |
| 28 | Poulton-le-Fylde | 61 |
| 29 | Ormskirk | 51 |
| 30 | Thornton | 48 |
Heysham by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 66.9 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 12% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 5 reports of fly-tipping on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 3.0 per 10,000 people, 2.7x the typical town's 1.1
- 5 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2025
- 0 of 2 bathing waters here or within 2 km rated Excellent in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 6 pubs, 8 hairdressers, 1 charity shop, 1 bookmaker on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 public toilet on the map (October 2026) Worse: 0.6 per 10,000 people, 63% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- 1 public swimming pool open Worse: 0.6 per 10,000 people, 14% lower than the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.17am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 80% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 14.5% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 6% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,588 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Lancaster council
Have a crap-off
Heysham against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.