Crap Towns / Merseyside / Heswall
Heswall
16/100Crap Score
825th crappest of 984 towns, and 18th in Merseyside. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Posh, and it'll tell you twice
Views over the Dee to Wales, big houses, and a taxi home from Liverpool that costs a fortune.
Heswall is the posh bit of the Wirral and it doesn't half let you know. Big houses, views over the Dee to Wales and hardly any trouble at all. Even the gates down to the shore are locked.
Their big problems? Not a single bus leaves after seven on a Wednesday, so after a night out in Liverpool it's a taxi home that costs a fortune. The banks have announced four branch closures since 2022, more than four times the typical town's rate per head, so there's nowhere left to pay the cheque in. Oh no. Anyway.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Heswall's 73 for fly-tipping means it's crapper than 73% of towns.
- Fly-tipping73/10015.9 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Wirral council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Rain73/100149 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Deliberate fires62/1007.4 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Sewage spills44/100215 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2024 to 2025
- Broadband33/1007.1% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 3.6% across the Wirral council area
- Food hygiene30/1001.5% rated 0 to 2, of the 132 food businesses with a rating
- Serious road collisions19/1001.6 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution18/1005.8 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.5 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Criminal damage and arson4/1003.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour0/1003.0 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 10 | Haydock | 63 |
| 11 | Litherland | 59 |
| 12 | Bebington | 50 |
| 13 | Crosby | 48 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.14 | Maghull | 36 |
| 15 | Southport | 34 |
| 16 | West Kirby | 29 |
| 17 | Formby | 27 |
| 18 | Heswall | 16 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Heswall by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 28.6 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 62% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 1 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 0.3 per 10,000 people, 91% lower than the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 13 pubs, 16 hairdressers, 4 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 1 bank on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 19) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 4 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 13.8 per 100,000 people, 4.1x the typical town's 3.4
- 1 library shut for good since 2010: Irby
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 6.37pm last bus out on a Wednesday, and none on a Sunday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.8% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 1.6x the typical town's 0.5%
- 51.4% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 3.3x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,510 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Wirral council
- £2,501 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £109 more than the English average
- 11% of Wirral council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 31% lower than England's 16%
- 24 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Heswall against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.