Southwell

It's Suthull. Or it's Southwell. Don't ask.

Twinned with a Bramley apple

37/100Crap Score

Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 37. Higher scores are crapper.

How the score works

Have your say

Crap Town of the Year 2026/27

See the race

The public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.

Letters from the locals

Got something to say about Southwell? Write in.

You've said it wrong.

Home of the first Bramley apple tree, and an endless row about how to say Southwell.

Southwell's got the original Bramley apple tree, a minster, a racecourse and an old workhouse people pay to wander round on a day out, which tells you most of what you need to know. Say the name wrong and you'll be told. Say it right and somebody else tells you that's wrong. Everyone else in Notts thinks the whole place has its nose in the air.

All that poshness and 20.1% of the town can't get gigabit broadband. It's got over twice the typical town's pubs per head and one hairdresser, so you can see where the priorities lie. Newark and Sherwood charge £2,682 a year for a Band D home, for the privilege of living somewhere that corrects your pronunciation.

The editor, corrected both ways

What the score is made of

Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.

Southwell's 89 for broadband means it's crapper than 89% of towns.

Broadband89/10020.1% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 15.9% across the Newark and Sherwood council area
Food hygiene73/1005.3% rated 0 to 2, of the 57 food businesses with a rating
Sewage spills66/100524 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
Fly-tipping64/10013.1 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Newark and Sherwood council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
Criminal damage and arson37/1006.1 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
Air pollution34/1005.9 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.8 of fine particles, 2024 average
Rain29/100120 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
Deliberate fires21/1003.2 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
Serious road collisions20/1001.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
Anti-social behaviour10/1008.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026

**Your patch: Nottinghamshire**Towns in the same county. Top of the table is crappest.
Pos	Town	National	Score
12	Forest Town	443rd	55
13	Mansfield Woodhouse	446th	55
14	Balderton	450th	54
15	New Ollerton and Ollerton	451st	54
In danger of becoming nice from here down.–	Southwell	–	37
16	Beeston	642nd	35
17	West Bridgford	658th	33
18	Arnold	735th	25
19	Carlton	739th	25

Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.

Southwell by numbers

Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.

Crime, muck and dodgy water

What's left on the high street

Getting about, getting online, getting rained on

Newark and Sherwood council

Have a crap-off

Southwell against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.

Against

SouthwellCrap Score 37

CalvertonCrap Score 11

Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.