Crap Towns / East Dunbartonshire / Kirkintilloch
Kirkintilloch
27/100Crap Score
Known as Kirky.
720th crappest of 984 towns, and the crappest in East Dunbartonshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Kirkintilloch? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
Kirky. Dry for decades. Still wet.
The town that banned pubs for decades now has 5 of them, and more vape shops than it knows what to do with.
Kirkintilloch was a dry town for decades, and there's a song about it. Now it's the crappest town in East Dunbartonshire, which is like being the scruffiest pupil at a private school. It calls itself the Canal Capital of Scotland, and the canal's nice enough. The red phone boxes used to be cast here. The banks have shut branches at four times the typical town's rate since, and the vape shops have moved into the gaps at nearly five times the typical town's.
The bins get set alight more than anything else, and 2025/26 was the worst year for it yet. Lenzie, next door, would like you to know it isn't Kirkintilloch.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Kirkintilloch's 98 for rain means it's crapper than 98% of towns.
- Rain98/100179 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Food hygiene78/1009.0% told to improve, of the 89 food businesses inspected
- Broadband62/10011.2% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 7.9% across the East Dunbartonshire council area
- Deliberate fires58/10024.8 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Criminal damage and arson32/1005.7 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Anti-social behaviour21/1005.5 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Air pollution20/1007.1 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.9 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Serious road collisions18/1001.2 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Sewage spills2/1000.0 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Kirkintilloch | 27 |
| 2 | Bishopbriggs | 13 |
| 3 | Milngavie | 4 |
| 4 | Bearsden | 3 |
Kirkintilloch by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 36.2 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Better: 33% lower than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 44 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 20.0 per 10,000 people, 3.6x the typical Scottish town's 5.6
What's left on the high street
- 5 pubs, 18 hairdressers, 7 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 3 vape shops, 3 banks, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 8.7% of takeaways inspected told to improve (2 of 23) About the same: About the same as the typical Scottish town's 9.1%
- 3 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 13.6 per 100,000 people, 4x the typical town's 3.4
- 4 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 1.8 per 10,000 people, 13% higher than the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.54pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.8% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 3.6x the typical town's 0.5%
- 3.1% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 80% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,310 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 14% lower than the typical town's 1,532
East Dunbartonshire council
- £1,752 Band D council tax (2026-27) Worse: £99 more than the Scottish average
- 35% of East Dunbartonshire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 36%
- 45 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Worse: 41.3 per 100,000 residents, 19% higher than Scotland's 34.7
- 90.9% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Kirkintilloch against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.