Crap Towns / North Ayrshire / Kilbirnie
Kilbirnie
54/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 54. Higher scores are crapper.
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Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
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Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Kilbirnie. Wringing wet.
The steelworks at Glengarnock made the town and shut in 1985. It's been raining on it ever since.
Kilbirnie made steel at Glengarnock until 1985, and the town hasn't had a lot to do since. Rain comes down on 198 days a year, 1,780 mm of it, well over twice the typical town's, and there's a loch on the edge of town for anyone who hasn't seen enough water. The storm overflows add five times the typical town's spill hours on top. The town's down to the one pub, which in that weather is just cruel.
The football team are the Blasties, after the furnaces. The one thing everyone in town agrees on is that Beith's worse. The score says otherwise.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Kilbirnie's 99 for rain means it's crapper than 99% of towns.
- Rain99/100198 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Sewage spills88/1001,377 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2025
- Broadband73/1009.8% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 16.3% across the North Ayrshire council area
- Serious road collisions64/1002.0 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Anti-social behaviour40/1007.1 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Deliberate fires35/10013.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson31/1005.7 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Food hygiene30/1002.5% told to improve, of the 40 food businesses inspected
- Air pollution0/1003.0 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Saltcoats | 87 |
| 2 | Irvine | 77 |
| 3 | Kilwinning | 58 |
| – | Kilbirnie | 54 |
| 4 | Largs | 46 |
| 5 | Ardrossan | 46 |
Kilbirnie by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
What's left on the high street
- 1 pub on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.8 per 10,000 people, 1.8x the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.03am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 4.8% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 69% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,290 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 16% lower than the typical town's 1,532
North Ayrshire council
- £1,686 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £33 more than the Scottish average
- 31% of North Ayrshire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 14% lower than Scotland's 36%
- 50 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Worse: 37.4 per 100,000 residents, 8% higher than Scotland's 34.7
- 89.6% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Kilbirnie against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.