Crap Towns / Tyne and Wear / Birtley
Birtley
69/100Crap Score
309th crappest of 984 towns, and 11th in Tyne and Wear. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Whose sofa is that?
Birtley saved its pool. Some bugger still thinks the back lane's a tip.
Birtley fought to keep its swimming pool open, and fair play. The rest of the town, nobody bothered. People dump their crap round here like it's the tip. One of the serious pollution incidents was commercial waste, building rubble and tyres dumped on the land, which is just fly-tipping with a bigger lorry.
Somebody's setting fire to the bins and rubbish as well, at over nine times the typical town's rate. Gateshead wants £2,716 a year for a Band D for all this. There's 3 Greggs and 2 bookies, and the bookies are doing well, mind.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Birtley's 93 for deliberate fires means it's crapper than 93% of towns.
- Deliberate fires93/10028.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Fly-tipping90/10027.0 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Gateshead council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Sewage spills78/100794 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Criminal damage and arson70/1008.6 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Broadband63/10010.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 10.6% across the Gateshead council area
- Rain58/100132 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Air pollution58/10010.8 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.3 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Anti-social behaviour44/10014.5 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Serious road collisions27/1001.7 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Food hygiene24/1001.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 97 food businesses with a rating
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 7 | Sunderland | 87 |
| 8 | Jarrow | 82 |
| 9 | Hebburn | 75 |
| 10 | Houghton-le-Spring | 73 |
| 11 | Birtley | 69 |
| 12 | Longbenton | 61 |
| 13 | Washington | 57 |
| 14 | Whickham | 53 |
| 15 | Killingworth | 50 |
Birtley by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 77.6 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 76.2
- 1 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 0.7 per 10,000 people, 79% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 4 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 9 pubs, 12 hairdressers, 1 charity shop, 2 bookmakers, 1 vape shop, 3 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 21) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 3 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.2 per 10,000 people, 38% higher than the typical town's 1.6
- 3 public swimming pools open; 1 closed for good since 2010 Better: 2.2 per 10,000 people, 3.1x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.18am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.2% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 60% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 11.4% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 26% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,511 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Gateshead council
Have a crap-off
Birtley against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.