Crap Towns / West Dunbartonshire / Alexandria
Alexandria
88/100Crap Score
Known as the Vale. Locals are Jeely Eaters.
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 88. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Wet, and not just from the rain.
Built cars in a palace, then torpedoes, then nothing. The shopping precinct's been falling down for years.
Alexandria once built cars in a factory with a dome and a marble staircase, which is more than anyone's ever spent on Mitchell Way. The precinct's been crumbling for years while the regeneration plans come and go. There's a lovely fountain in the middle of town. With rain on 187 days a year, it hardly needs one.
The sewage is the other water feature: the storm overflows round here spilled at eleven times the typical town's rate. The firebugs had their best year yet in 2025/26, and there are more bookies than pubs. Everyone in the Vale is a Jeely Eater, and nobody can agree why.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Alexandria's 99 for rain means it's crapper than 99% of towns.
- Rain99/100187 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Sewage spills98/1003,046 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2025
- Serious road collisions93/1003.2 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour78/10011.9 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Deliberate fires78/10034.9 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson69/1008.5 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Broadband61/10010.8% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 8.2% across the West Dunbartonshire council area
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Food hygiene31/1003.3% told to improve, of the 60 food businesses inspected
- Air pollution3/1004.5 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Clydebank | 96 |
| – | Alexandria | 88 |
| 2 | Dumbarton | 83 |
Alexandria by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 60.5 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Worse: 11% higher than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 4 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 6.4 per 10,000 people, 14% higher than the typical Scottish town's 5.6
What's left on the high street
- 1 pub, 1 charity shop, 2 bookmakers, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 16.0 per 100,000 people, 4.7x the typical town's 3.4
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 3.2 per 10,000 people, 2x the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.14pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 80% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 2.9% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 81% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,310 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 14% lower than the typical town's 1,532
West Dunbartonshire council
- £1,682 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £29 more than the Scottish average
- 31% of West Dunbartonshire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 14% lower than Scotland's 36%
- 49 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, 3 upheld Worse: 55.4 per 100,000 residents, 1.6x Scotland's 34.7
- 92.5% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Alexandria against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.