Crap Towns / Bedfordshire / Marston Moretaine
Marston Moretaine
20/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 20. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Spell it? They can't.
Officially Moreteyne. Usually Moretaine. The brook has bigger problems.
Marston Moretaine can't decide how to spell its own name. The old brickworks have turned into new estates and a country park, and there's a theme park on the way. It's got 1 pub and 1 Greggs, which per head is more than five times the typical town's Greggs. The church tower's officially at risk.
Then there's the brook. Storm overflows near here spilled for 2,522 hours per 10,000 people a year, over nine times the typical town. Otherwise it's annoyingly nice.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Marston Moretaine's 96 for sewage spills means it's crapper than 96% of towns.
- Sewage spills96/1002,522 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Air pollution62/1008.0 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Fly-tipping40/1009.2 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Central Bedfordshire council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Broadband36/1002.7% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 13.3% across the Central Bedfordshire council area
- Food hygiene35/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 21 food businesses with a rating
- Serious road collisions25/1001.6 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour24/10010.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires16/1002.5 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson8/1003.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Rain8/100112 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 2 | Bedford | 61 |
| 3 | Houghton Regis | 60 |
| 4 | Dunstable | 40 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.5 | Kempston | 27 |
| – | Marston Moretaine | 20 |
| 6 | Sandy | 17 |
| 7 | Leighton Buzzard | 13 |
| 8 | Stotfold | 10 |
| 9 | Flitwick | 4 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Marston Moretaine by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 46.5 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 39% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 60 reports of broken street lights on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 94.5 per 10,000 people, 135x the typical town's 0.7
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2019
What's left on the high street
- 1 pub, 1 hairdresser, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 public toilet on the map (October 2026) About the same: 1.6 per 10,000 people, about the same as the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.01am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 7.3% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 53% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,559 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Central Bedfordshire council
- £2,516 Band D council tax (2026-27) Worse: £124 more than the English average
- 13% of Central Bedfordshire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 19% lower than England's 16%
- 17 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Marston Moretaine against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.