Crap Towns / Midlothian / Loanhead
Loanhead
42/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 42. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Loanhead. Next to IKEA.
Coal, shale and paper made the place. Now it's best known for being next to the IKEA.
Loanhead dug coal and shale and made paper, and now it's the bit you drive through to get to the IKEA at Straiton. The retail park took the shoppers and left the town the lorries. There's a sculpture in the middle that's half a cog and half a horn. Locals are proud of it. Nobody else has noticed it.
Burglary runs at twice the typical Scottish town's rate and serious crashes at 1.5 times. Shoplifting is the most common crime in Loanhead, at more than twice the typical Scottish town's, so the retail park does bring something in after all.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Loanhead's 81 for serious road collisions means it's crapper than 81% of towns.
- Serious road collisions81/1002.6 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Rain70/100144 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Broadband66/10012.2% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 7.5% across the Midlothian council area
- Food hygiene65/1007.1% told to improve, of the 70 food businesses inspected
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Criminal damage and arson36/1006.0 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Deliberate fires35/10013.5 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Anti-social behaviour26/1006.2 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Air pollution16/1006.6 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.8 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Sewage spills10/1007.3 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2025
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Dalkeith | 81 |
| 2 | Mayfield | 44 |
| – | Loanhead | 42 |
| 3 | Penicuik | 40 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.4 | Bonnyrigg | 34 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Loanhead by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 56.0 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) About the same: About the same as the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 24 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 34.3 per 10,000 people, 6.1x the typical Scottish town's 5.6
What's left on the high street
- 2 pubs, 3 hairdressers, 1 bookmaker, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.9 per 10,000 people, 1.8x the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.10am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 80% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 18.1% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 17% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,335 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 13% lower than the typical town's 1,532
Midlothian council
- £1,816 Band D council tax (2026-27) Worse: £163 more than the Scottish average
- 37% of Midlothian council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 36%
- 61 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, 2 upheld Worse: 63.2 per 100,000 residents, 1.8x Scotland's 34.7
- 91.7% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Loanhead against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.