Crap Towns / West Lothian / Linlithgow
Linlithgow
20/100Crap Score
Locals born in the burgh are Black Bitches.
789th crappest of 984 towns, and 6th in West Lothian. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Linlithgow. Posh, with potholes.
A ruined royal palace, a loch that goes green in summer and a High Street of charity shops for the well-off.
Linlithgow has a royal palace with no roof on it and a loch that grows a skin of green algae every summer. It's commuter money, and the High Street shows it. Hardly any crime, hardly any drugs, and the vandals have gone to Bathgate.
What gets Lithgae going is potholes: 99 reported on FixMyStreet in a year, from a town where that's what passes for trouble. The storm overflows spill at nearly twice the typical town's rate, into the same water as the swans. Locals born in the old burgh are Black Bitches, after the dog on the town's crest, and they'll argue for an hour over whether you qualify.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Linlithgow's 78 for rain means it's crapper than 78% of towns.
- Rain78/100153 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Sewage spills66/100522 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Broadband66/10012.2% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 7.7% across the West Lothian council area
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Serious road collisions29/1001.3 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Food hygiene28/1003.1% told to improve, of the 65 food businesses inspected
- Deliberate fires18/1009.1 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson15/1004.6 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Anti-social behaviour12/1003.6 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Air pollution11/1005.8 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.7 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Bathgate | 77 |
| 2 | Whitburn | 68 |
| 3 | Armadale | 58 |
| 4 | Livingston | 40 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.5 | Broxburn | 30 |
| 6 | Linlithgow | 20 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Linlithgow by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 29.0 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Better: 47% lower than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 99 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 79.1 per 10,000 people, 14.1x the typical Scottish town's 5.6
What's left on the high street
- 10 pubs, 13 hairdressers, 6 charity shops, 1 vape shop, 1 bank, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 8.0 per 100,000 people, 2.4x the typical town's 3.4
- 4 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 3.2 per 10,000 people, 2x the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.03am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.3% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 40% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 6.9% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 55% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,399 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 9% lower than the typical town's 1,532
West Lothian council
- £1,628 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £25 less than the Scottish average
- 31% of West Lothian council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 14% lower than Scotland's 36%
- 78 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Worse: 43.0 per 100,000 residents, 24% higher than Scotland's 34.7
- 88.4% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Linlithgow against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.