Crap Towns / Isle of Wight / East Cowes
East Cowes
12/100Crap Score
Known as Monkey Town across the river.
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 12. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Rockets, yes. A working ferry, no.
They built rockets and hovercraft here. They can't keep a ferry going across a river.
East Cowes helped invent the hovercraft and built rockets, and it can't keep a little chain ferry going across the river. When the floating bridge packs up, which is all the time, you go the long way round through Newport. Cowes calls it Monkey Town. Osborne House is up the road, looking grand about it.
The storm overflows round the town spilled for 3.8 times as long as the typical town's. The floating bridge is the council's, and so is the £2,626 Band D bill, well over England's average, so at least you know who you're paying for the walk to Newport.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
East Cowes's 84 for sewage spills means it's crapper than 84% of towns.
- Sewage spills84/1001,052 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2024 to 2025
- Food hygiene71/1006.3% rated 0 to 2, of the 32 food businesses with a rating
- Broadband41/1003.9% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 13.0% across the Isle of Wight council area
- Air pollution39/1008.4 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.8 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Criminal damage and arson31/1005.7 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires25/1003.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Rain24/100119 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Fly-tipping20/1006.4 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Isle of Wight council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Anti-social behaviour5/1007.0 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Serious road collisions1/1000.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Newport | 65 |
| 2 | Sandown | 65 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.3 | Ryde | 37 |
| 4 | Cowes | 20 |
| – | East Cowes | 12 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
East Cowes by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 61.0 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 152 reports of abandoned vehicles on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 180 per 10,000 people, 200x the typical town's 0.9
- 4 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2026
- 2 of 2 bathing waters here or within 2 km rated Excellent in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 5 pubs, 4 hairdressers, 2 charity shops on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 public toilet on the map (October 2026) Worse: 1.2 per 10,000 people, 25% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 1.07am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.2% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 60% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 19.4% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 25% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,835 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 20% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Isle of Wight council
Have a crap-off
East Cowes against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.