Crap Towns / Isle of Wight / Cowes
Cowes
20/100Crap Score
People from here are Caulkheads.
790th crappest of 984 towns, and 4th in the Isle of Wight. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Red trousers in, sewage out.
A week of yachts and posh blokes, then the rest of the year the bridge breaks down.
Cowes is world famous for sailing, and for a week every summer it's rammed with blokes in red trousers. The rest of the year the Caulkheads get their town back, and it's pubs and a floating bridge over the Medina that breaks down so often it's a running joke. The ferry to the mainland costs an arm and a leg.
The storm drains round the town chucked out sewage for over four times as long as the typical town's. Lovely sailing water. Twice the typical town's share of its kitchens are rated 0 to 2. They call East Cowes Monkey Town from this side of the river, and East Cowes has to use the same knackered bridge to come over and argue.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Cowes's 85 for sewage spills means it's crapper than 85% of towns.
- Sewage spills85/1001,121 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2024 to 2025
- Food hygiene78/1004.8% rated 0 to 2, of the 124 food businesses with a rating
- Serious road collisions42/1002.2 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Broadband39/1003.5% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 13.0% across the Isle of Wight council area
- Rain25/100119 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Deliberate fires24/1003.7 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Air pollution24/1006.6 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.6 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Fly-tipping20/1006.4 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Isle of Wight council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Criminal damage and arson14/1004.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour1/1005.3 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Newport | 65 |
| 2 | Sandown | 65 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.3 | Ryde | 37 |
| 4 | Cowes | 20 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Cowes by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 42.4 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 44% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 222 reports of dog fouling on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026
- 4 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2026
- 3 of 3 bathing waters here or within 2 km rated Excellent in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 14 pubs, 6 hairdressers, 2 charity shops, 1 bookmaker on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 banking hub opened here
- 10 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 7.0 per 10,000 people, 4.4x the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
- 4 places on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.59am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 25.5% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 1.6x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,831 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 20% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Isle of Wight council
Have a crap-off
Cowes against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.