Crap Towns / Greater Manchester / Uppermill
Uppermill
87/100Crap Score
131st crappest of 984 towns, and 23rd in Greater Manchester. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Uppermill. Oldham, technically.
White rose plaques on the walls. The council tax still goes to Oldham.
Uppermill is the posh bit of Saddleworth and will tell you it's in Yorkshire, white rose plaques and all. It's in Oldham, and the council tax bill says so. On Whit Friday the brass bands march up the high street, and the rest of the year the day-trippers nick all the parking.
It's wet on 171 days a year and the sun's out for 1,292 hours, which is Yorkshire weather, to be fair. The storm overflows spill for nearly ten times as long as the typical town's, which is a bit common for Yorkshire. There are 7 public toilets, nearly four times the typical town's rate per head, for all the people who came for the pubs.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Uppermill's 97 for sewage spills means it's crapper than 97% of towns.
- Sewage spills97/1002,638 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Rain93/100171 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Fly-tipping86/10022.9 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Oldham council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Deliberate fires78/10011.9 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson73/1008.8 per 1,000 people a year, July 2023 to June 2026
- Anti-social behaviour61/10016.9 per 1,000 people a year, July 2023 to June 2026
- Food hygiene60/1003.3% rated 0 to 2, of the 92 food businesses with a rating
- Air pollution54/1008.9 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.6 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Serious road collisions41/1002.1 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Broadband19/1004.9% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 2.8% across the Oldham council area
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 19 | Denton | 89 |
| 20 | Stalybridge | 89 |
| 21 | Mossley | 89 |
| 22 | Leigh | 88 |
| 23 | Uppermill | 87 |
| 24 | Royton | 86 |
| 25 | Ince-in-Makerfield | 86 |
| 26 | Bury | 85 |
| 27 | Littleborough | 84 |
Uppermill by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 102 crimes per 1,000 people a year (July 2023 to June 2026) Worse: 34% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 20 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 17.9 per 10,000 people, 5.3x the typical town's 3.4
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2018
What's left on the high street
- 13 pubs, 7 hairdressers, 2 charity shops on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 7 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 6.3 per 10,000 people, 3.9x the typical town's 1.6
- 1 public swimming pool open Better: 0.9 per 10,000 people, 29% higher than the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.48pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.7% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 40% higher than the typical town's 0.5%
- 45.8% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 3x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,292 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 16% lower than the typical town's 1,532
Oldham council
Have a crap-off
Uppermill against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.