Crap Towns / Gloucestershire / Patchway
Patchway
57/100Crap Score
426th crappest of 984 towns, and 3rd in Gloucestershire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Patchway? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
You can't go that way.
Next door to where Concorde was built. Now nobody can drive down Highwood Road.
Patchway sits next to the old Filton airfield, where they built Concorde. Since then the big transport news has been shutting Highwood Road to cars, so all the traffic goes down everybody else's street instead.
Shoplifting runs at seven times the typical town's rate, which is some going for a place with 2 Greggs and not a pub on the map. Crime overall is well over twice the typical town's and the vandals are getting busier. The buses run all night, 13 times the typical town's after dark, so at least there's a getaway.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Patchway's 92 for criminal damage and arson means it's crapper than 92% of towns.
- Criminal damage and arson92/10011.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour71/10018.7 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Air pollution69/10011.8 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.7 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Broadband64/1008.1% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 14.6% across the South Gloucestershire council area
- Rain62/100135 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Serious road collisions59/1002.7 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Food hygiene52/1002.6% rated 0 to 2, of the 115 food businesses with a rating
- Deliberate fires34/1004.7 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Fly-tipping26/1007.1 incidents per 1,000 people a year, South Gloucestershire council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Sewage spills19/10038.3 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Filton | 70 |
| 2 | Gloucester | 66 |
| 3 | Patchway | 57 |
| 4 | Cheltenham | 54 |
| 5 | Stroud | 44 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.6 | Kingswood and Fishponds | 39 |
| 7 | Tewkesbury | 38 |
| 8 | Quedgeley and Hardwicke | 37 |
| 9 | Cirencester | 36 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Patchway by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 172 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 2.3x the typical town's 76.2
- 46 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 27.8 per 10,000 people, 8.2x the typical town's 3.4
- 5 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 10 hairdressers, 1 bookmaker, 1 vape shop, 1 bank, 2 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 13) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 6.1 per 100,000 people, 1.8x the typical town's 3.4
- 7 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 4.2 per 10,000 people, 2.6x the typical town's 1.6
- 1 public swimming pool open Worse: 0.6 per 10,000 people, 14% lower than the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- All night buses on a Wednesday Better: The typical town's last bus goes at 12.14am
- 2.5% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 5x the typical town's 0.5%
- 9.3% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 40% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,637 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 7% higher than the typical town's 1,532
South Gloucestershire council
- £2,551 Band D council tax (2026-27) Worse: £159 more than the English average
- 9% of South Gloucestershire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 44% lower than England's 16%
- 12 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Patchway against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.