Crap Towns / City of Edinburgh / Kirkliston
Kirkliston
21/100Crap Score
Known as Cheesetown. Locals are Cheesetonians.
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 21. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Kirkliston. Still a village, apparently.
A distillery village on the Almond that Edinburgh swallowed, still insisting it's a village.
Kirkliston is Cheesetown and the locals are Cheesetonians, because the men who built the Forth Bridge lodged here and opened the same cheese sandwich every single day. That's the lore. The distillery's gone, the houses keep coming and the evenings are long and quiet. The kitchens are spotless. Not one got pulled up.
The crime's another story. Drug offences come in at nearly four times the typical Scottish town's rate. Edinburgh Airport is in the same police ward, which might explain it. Might.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Kirkliston's 67 for rain means it's crapper than 67% of towns.
- Rain67/100140 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Sewage spills57/100376 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2025
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Criminal damage and arson46/1006.7 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Food hygiene32/1000.0% told to improve, of the 13 food businesses inspected
- Anti-social behaviour32/1006.8 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Air pollution31/1008.5 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.0 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Broadband29/1004.4% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 7.3% across the City of Edinburgh council area
- Deliberate fires24/1009.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Serious road collisions10/1000.7 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Edinburgh | 67 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.– | Kirkliston | 21 |
| 2 | South Queensferry | 21 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Kirkliston by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 63.5 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Worse: 17% higher than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 4 reports of fly-tipping on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.39pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.0% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: Against the typical town's 0.5%
- 5.3% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 66% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,415 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 8% lower than the typical town's 1,532
City of Edinburgh council
- £1,626 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £27 less than the Scottish average
- 33% of City of Edinburgh council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 8% lower than Scotland's 36%
- 176 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, 1 upheld About the same: 34.2 per 100,000 residents, about the same as Scotland's 34.7
- 92.8% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Kirkliston against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.