Kingston. Still sulking about Surrey.

Kingston is a royal borough and it'll tell you so. They crowned Saxon kings on a stone here, and somebody's knocked over a row of red phone boxes like dominoes and called it art. The river's pretty. Surbiton's round the corner, living the Good Life next to a Waitrose.

For somewhere so pleased with itself, the air's rough, with nearly twice the typical town's nitrogen dioxide. There are half the typical town's play spaces per head, and 5 public pools have closed for good since 2010. K-Town, some of them call it. Nobody else does.

The editor, still being told it's Surrey