Crap Towns / Argyll and Bute / Dunoon
Dunoon
69/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 69. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Glasgow used to holiday here.
The Glasgow Fair used to come doon the watter by steamer. Now it's the ferry, the rain and the charity shops.
Dunoon was where Glasgow went for its holidays, back when the steamers ran doon the watter and nobody had heard of Spain. Then the submarine base on the Holy Loch shut in 1992 and took the money with it. What's left is a Victorian pier and seven times the charity shops a town this size would normally put up with. Getting there means a ferry. Getting back means hoping the ferry's on.
Rain falls on 213 days a year, 2,041 mm of it, nearly three times the typical town's. The storm overflows add their own: sewage spills run at about 30 times the typical town's. The police record nearly twice the typical Scottish town's anti-social behaviour. There's not much else to do.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Dunoon's 100 for broadband means it's crapper than 100% of towns.
- Broadband100/100100.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 76.1% across the Argyll and Bute council area
- Rain100/100213 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Sewage spills99/1008,321 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour93/10015.0 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Criminal damage and arson43/1006.6 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Food hygiene39/1003.7% told to improve, of the 54 food businesses inspected
- Serious road collisions32/1001.3 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Deliberate fires5/1004.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Air pollution0/1002.6 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.0 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| – | Dunoon | 69 |
| 1 | Helensburgh | 53 |
Dunoon by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 60.6 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Worse: 11% higher than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 1 reports of broken street lights on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 1.3 per 10,000 people, 44% higher than the typical Scottish town's 0.9
What's left on the high street
- 6 pubs, 3 hairdressers, 8 charity shops, 2 banks on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 12.5 per 100,000 people, 3.7x the typical town's 3.4
- 4 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 5.0 per 10,000 people, 3.1x the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 10.38pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 5.7% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 11.4x the typical town's 0.5%
- 18.9% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 22% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,290 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 16% lower than the typical town's 1,532
Argyll and Bute council
- £1,783 Band D council tax (2026-27) Worse: £130 more than the Scottish average
- 48% of Argyll and Bute council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Worse: 33% higher than Scotland's 36%
- 30 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld About the same: 34.9 per 100,000 residents, about the same as Scotland's 34.7
- 93.7% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Dunoon against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.