Crap Towns / Argyll and Bute / Helensburgh
Helensburgh
53/100Crap Score
461st crappest of 984 towns. It's the crappest town in the table for Argyll and Bute because it's the only one big enough to be in it. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Helensburgh? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
They put the Hill House in a box.
Glasgow's money built the villas. The rain got into its famous house so badly they built a giant box round it.
Helensburgh is where Glasgow's money went to live: wide streets, big villas, lawns. The rain gets in anyway. Its most famous house got so damp it had to be put inside a giant steel box with a chainmail roof to dry out, and it's still in there. The sun manages 1,264 hours a year, which is grim even for the west.
The nuclear submarines are up the road at Faslane. Down in town there's a vape shop habit nearly five times the typical town's for its size, and two banks have announced closures since 2022, which in a town this posh is a scandal. The pier's shut to visiting boats. You can still look at the water.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Helensburgh's 100 for sewage spills means it's crapper than 100% of towns.
- Sewage spills100/100
- Rain99/100192 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Broadband99/10016.1% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 76.1% across the Argyll and Bute council area
- Anti-social behaviour64/1009.9 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Food hygiene48/1005.1% told to improve, of the 59 food businesses inspected
- Serious road collisions26/1001.3 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Criminal damage and arson16/1004.7 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Deliberate fires3/1004.7 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Air pollution0/1003.1 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.0 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Helensburgh | 53 |
Helensburgh by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 40.4 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Better: 26% lower than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 8 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 About the same: 5.7 per 10,000 people, about the same as the typical Scottish town's 5.6
What's left on the high street
- 3 pubs, 4 hairdressers, 6 charity shops, 2 bookmakers, 2 vape shops, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 2 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 14.2 per 100,000 people, 4.2x the typical town's 3.4
- 3 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.1 per 10,000 people, 31% higher than the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.04pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- Under 0.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: Far lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 18.9% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 22% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,264 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 17% lower than the typical town's 1,532
Argyll and Bute council
- £1,783 Band D council tax (2026-27) Worse: £130 more than the Scottish average
- 48% of Argyll and Bute council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Worse: 33% higher than Scotland's 36%
- 30 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld About the same: 34.9 per 100,000 residents, about the same as Scotland's 34.7
- 93.7% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Helensburgh against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.