Crap Towns / East Ayrshire / Kilmarnock
Kilmarnock
73/100Crap Score
Locals call it Killie.
264th crappest of 984 towns. It's the crappest town in the table for East Ayrshire because it's the only one big enough to be in it. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
The whisky left in 2012.
The world's most famous whisky was bottled here for over a century. Then they shut the plant and left it the pies.
Kilmarnock bottled the world's best-known whisky for well over a century, and in 2012 the plant shut and the striding man walked off down the road. The carpet factory had gone before that. What's left is the Killie pie, which is excellent, and a town centre full of empty units that no pie can fix.
The bins get set alight at nearly three times the typical Scottish town's rate, and deliberate fires overall at 1.7 times. There are twice the bookies you'd expect for a town its size. On derby day Killie and Ayr each reckon the other's the dump. Ayr's less crap. Killie fans don't want to hear it.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Kilmarnock's 97 for rain means it's crapper than 97% of towns.
- Rain97/100179 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Deliberate fires84/10038.7 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Anti-social behaviour75/10011.5 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Criminal damage and arson70/1008.6 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Serious road collisions70/1002.0 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Broadband68/1006.3% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 21.2% across the East Ayrshire council area
- Sewage spills60/100411 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2025
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Food hygiene23/1003.5% told to improve, of the 311 food businesses inspected
- Air pollution6/1004.7 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.7 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Kilmarnock | 73 |
Kilmarnock by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 67.1 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Worse: 23% higher than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 42 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 8.9 per 10,000 people, 1.6x the typical Scottish town's 5.6
What's left on the high street
- 15 pubs, 24 hairdressers, 6 charity shops, 7 bookmakers, 3 vape shops, 7 banks, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 7.6% of takeaways inspected told to improve (5 of 66) Better: 16% lower than the typical Scottish town's 9.1%
- 5 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Worse: 1.1 per 10,000 people, 31% lower than the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.53pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 8.4% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 46% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,320 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 14% lower than the typical town's 1,532
East Ayrshire council
- £1,717 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £64 more than the Scottish average
- 37% of East Ayrshire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 36%
- 22 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Better: 18.3 per 100,000 residents, 47% lower than Scotland's 34.7
- 92.0% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Kilmarnock against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.