Crap Towns / Scottish Borders / Kelso
Kelso
15/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 15. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Kelso expects to be admired.
A huge cobbled square, a duke's castle at the end of the road and a racecourse for the weekends.
Kelso has a cobbled square like a film set, a duke in the castle at the bottom of the road, the Tweed full of salmon and a racecourse. It knows. Crime runs 40% lower than the typical Scottish town's, and the worst that happens on the Square is somebody shouting on a Saturday night. Even so, some arsehole's had a go at the public toilets, and Jedburgh can still wind it up over a row about the fair that's centuries old.
There are 3 bookies round the Square, so the racegoers can lose it in town as well. The last bus goes at 9.05pm. After that you're in Kelso till morning.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Kelso's 88 for broadband means it's crapper than 88% of towns.
- Broadband88/10014.4% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 24.3% across the Scottish Borders council area
- Rain57/100131 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Sewage spills47/100242 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2025
- Anti-social behaviour29/1006.6 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Criminal damage and arson27/1005.4 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Food hygiene22/1002.6% told to improve, of the 76 food businesses inspected
- Serious road collisions14/1000.9 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Deliberate fires9/1005.9 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Air pollution1/1002.7 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.5 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Galashiels | 73 |
| 2 | Hawick | 57 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.– | Kelso | 15 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Kelso by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 32.8 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Better: 40% lower than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 1 reports of broken street lights on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 1.4 per 10,000 people, 1.6x the typical Scottish town's 0.9
What's left on the high street
- 7 pubs, 8 hairdressers, 5 charity shops, 3 bookmakers, 1 vape shop, 2 banks, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 14.2 per 100,000 people, 4.2x the typical town's 3.4
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.8 per 10,000 people, 1.8x the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 9.05pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.5% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 0.5%
- 3.1% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 80% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,408 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 8% lower than the typical town's 1,532
Scottish Borders council
- £1,619 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £34 less than the Scottish average
- 48% of Scottish Borders council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Worse: 33% higher than Scotland's 36%
- 37 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Better: 31.7 per 100,000 residents, 9% lower than Scotland's 34.7
- 97.2% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) Better: 5% higher than Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Kelso against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.