Crap Towns / Perth and Kinross / Auchterarder
Auchterarder
2/100Crap Score
Known as the Lang Toun.
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 2. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
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Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Auchterarder. Nothing to see. Lovely.
The Lang Toun: a very long High Street, a very posh hotel down the road and almost nothing to complain about.
Auchterarder is one long High Street with golf at the end of it. Gleneagles is down the road, the world's leaders had a summit there once and the protesters marched through on their way, which is the most excitement since the weaving stopped. Crime's well under half the typical Scottish town's and the storm overflows didn't spill once.
So the moans are the new houses, the schools filling up and somebody parked on the High Street all day. Somebody else keeps reporting abandoned cars on FixMyStreet. And 38.7% of premises can't get gigabit broadband, which is a scandal if you're trying to book a tee time.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Auchterarder's 99 for broadband means it's crapper than 99% of towns.
- Broadband99/10038.7% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 44.9% across the Perth and Kinross council area
- Rain84/100161 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Food hygiene16/1000.0% told to improve, of the 34 food businesses inspected
- Serious road collisions4/1000.3 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour3/1002.4 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Sewage spills2/1000.0 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Criminal damage and arson0/1002.3 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Air pollution0/1002.8 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Deliberate fires0/1001.1 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Perth | 59 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.– | Auchterarder | 2 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Auchterarder by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 19.7 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Better: 64% lower than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 4 reports of abandoned vehicles on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 6.6 per 10,000 people, 16.5x the typical Scottish town's 0.4
What's left on the high street
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 10.49pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.9% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 1.8x the typical town's 0.5%
- 17.6% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 14% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,297 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 15% lower than the typical town's 1,532
Perth and Kinross council
- £1,674 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £21 more than the Scottish average
- 33% of Perth and Kinross council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 8% lower than Scotland's 36%
- 85 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Worse: 56.3 per 100,000 residents, 1.6x Scotland's 34.7
- 88.1% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Auchterarder against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.