Crap Towns / Highland / Alness
Alness
51/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 51. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Alness? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
Lovely flowers. Now what?
Prize-winning flower beds, a monument on the hill and nothing to do after teatime.
Alness keeps winning prizes for its flowers, and fair play, because it's wet most of the year and the sun barely bothers. The baskets on the High Street are gorgeous. Once you've looked at them, that's your night out done.
So folk report potholes instead. 29 of them in a year from one wee town, plus the odd car somebody's left at the side of the road. Bank of Scotland shut up shop in 2022 and left the flowers in charge.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Alness's 83 for rain means it's crapper than 83% of towns.
- Rain83/100160 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Broadband76/1001.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 36.7% across the Highland council area
- Criminal damage and arson71/1008.7 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Sewage spills68/100
- Anti-social behaviour68/10010.2 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Food hygiene60/1008.0% told to improve, of the 25 food businesses inspected
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Deliberate fires38/10015.3 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Serious road collisions4/1000.3 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution0/1002.0 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Inverness | 66 |
| – | Alness | 51 |
Alness by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 59.3 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Worse: 9% higher than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 29 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 48.8 per 10,000 people, 8.7x the typical Scottish town's 5.6
What's left on the high street
- 3 hairdressers, 1 charity shop, 1 bank on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 16.8 per 100,000 people, 4.9x the typical town's 3.4
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.27am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 80% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 5.5% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 65% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,268 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 17% lower than the typical town's 1,532
Highland council
- £1,634 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £19 less than the Scottish average
- 43% of Highland council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Worse: 19% higher than Scotland's 36%
- 99 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Worse: 42.1 per 100,000 residents, 21% higher than Scotland's 34.7
- 95.3% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Alness against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.