Crap Towns / Clackmannanshire / Alloa
Alloa
76/100Crap Score
236th crappest of 984 towns. It's the crappest town in the table for Clackmannanshire because it's the only one big enough to be in it. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Alloa. They call it boring. Fair enough.
A medieval tower, a glassworks chimney and a town centre you've seen all of before your Greggs goes cold.
Alloa used to brew beer and blow glass on the Forth. Now it's got the Tower, a massive medieval keep that's the most exciting thing for miles, and a town centre of bookies, charity shops and Greggs, with nearly five times the typical town's Greggs per head. Folk have called it the most boring town in Scotland. Nobody's put up much of a fight.
The shoplifters keep busy, at nearly three times the typical Scottish town's rate, and the vandals run more than a third over it. The sun shines for 1,283 hours a year and the Wee County's streets fail the clean test more often than most.
The Wasps play at Recreation Park and Stirling Albion are the enemy. Everyone lives within 400 metres of a park, which is handy, as there's nowhere else to go.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Alloa's 86 for rain means it's crapper than 86% of towns.
- Rain86/100162 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Criminal damage and arson80/1009.9 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Serious road collisions74/1002.2 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour72/10011.2 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Broadband71/10010.8% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 13.8% across the Clackmannanshire council area
- Food hygiene60/1006.4% told to improve, of the 140 food businesses inspected
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Deliberate fires43/10018.1 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Sewage spills37/100144 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2025
- Air pollution30/1008.9 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.7 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Alloa | 76 |
Alloa by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 79.6 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Worse: 46% higher than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 1 reports of fly-tipping on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026
What's left on the high street
- 6 pubs, 4 hairdressers, 2 charity shops, 2 bookmakers, 1 vape shop, 2 banks, 2 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways inspected told to improve (0 of 22) Better: Against the typical Scottish town's 9.1%
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 6.8 per 100,000 people, 2x the typical town's 3.4
- 4 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.7 per 10,000 people, 1.7x the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.27pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.3% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 40% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 0.0% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: Against the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,283 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 16% lower than the typical town's 1,532
Clackmannanshire council
- £1,684 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £31 more than the Scottish average
- 37% of Clackmannanshire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 36%
- 17 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Better: 32.8 per 100,000 residents, 5% lower than Scotland's 34.7
- 84.7% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) Worse: 8% lower than Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Alloa against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.